Do you remember learning how to walk?
Me neither. But here’s a quick summation of how it went for you (and me):
Try. Fall.
Try. Fall.
Try. Succeed. Fall.
Try. Succeed. Fall.
Try. Succeed. Run!
This is also how we learn how to talk, tie our shoes, write our names, and master any skill or knowledge we need in life. Try. Fail a bunch. Keep trying. Succeed.
The trait that allows for that process is called “resilience.”
Resilience is defined by Merriam Webster as, “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.” In other words, “Try, try again.”
Resilience encompasses emotional regulation, problem-solving skills, and a mindset that enables individuals to face difficulties with courage and persistence.
The trait of resilience helps kids “…adapt better to life challenges and have higher levels of functionality and quality of life” (Resilience Programs for Children and Adolescents: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Pinto, Lawrence, Mecedo, & Mecedo).
But as parents, we sometimes interrupt our kid’s ability to grow in resilience.
I was reading a parenting article, watching snow fall outside the window of my mama’s house in Duluth, Minnesota when I learned a new term: snowplow parenting. Maybe you’ve heard this term before, or its twin sister “bulldozer parenting.” It is in the same family as “helicopter parenting” and “bubble-wrap parenting.” The family of Overprotective Parenting.
Overprotective parents find it unbearable to watch their children struggle. Or to imagine watching their children struggle. So they involve themselves in removing problems, obstacles, and potential disappointment from their children’s lives.
In doing so, they inadvertently remove their child’s opportunities to practice and grow stronger in resilience, the very trait that will actually equip them long term to be able to adjust and adapt to the inevitable struggles of life.
According to Graham C.L. Davey, Ph.D., “…overprotective parents may regularly—but inadvertently—support, assist in, or reward their children’s anxious or avoidant behavior.” (Helicopter, Snowplow, and Bubble-Wrap Parenting: How is Anxiety Transmitted From Parents to their Children? Psychology Today. May 23, 2017).
Overprotective parents eventually shoot themselves in the foot.
When I was tempted to be overprotective, my husband would often ask me, “Do you want them to be happy or strong?” Of course the answer is both. But if there’s a situation where they can’t be both, the right answer is strong. The right answer is resilience. Not all happiness will lead to resilience, but according to mental health research, resilience will lead to greater, lasting happiness.
I truly believe one of the most infuriating and exasperating things in the world to do is watch a five year old tie their shoes. Especially if you’re in a bit of a hurry.
But we must.
We also have to help them learn what happens if you forget your homework. And how to recover from a broken relationship. And how to get out of bed and go to school after you didn’t make the team.
Tell your kids stories of when you had to be strong even when it was hard. You did it. So can they. Communicate your confidence and faith in them (even if you have your doubts!).
Let them try, try again.
Resilience is a skill. It can be honed and improved with practice. It is also one of the most valuable gifts we can give our kids. It will produce the kind of strength of character that will serve them well their whole lives.
“Not only this, but we also rejoice in sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Romans 5:3-5).