Course corrections.

We celebrated our oldest son’s 24th birthday last weekend. And as you might expect we spent a little time reminiscing with him about his life. And as we talked we realized that a couple of his fun little lifelong quirks started way back when he was a toddler. Who Jake was when he was four set a pathway for who he’d become by age 24.

So, I got to thinking about human behavior trends. Have you ever noticed we never accidentally trend toward advancement or personal growth? We don’t naturally improve. We naturally decline. It’s an actual law of physics. A portion of the Second Law of Thermodynamics says, “there is a natural tendency of any isolated system to degenerate into a more disordered state.”

Because of this fallen world, our behavior patterns also trend in a downward spiral toward chaos.

And our kids are no different! If left to themselves, kids’ habits trend toward sinful patterns as well.

Let me gently add: Every family is unique and faces its own distinct challenges including health and developmental barriers that affect children’s ability to learn self-regulation. Other significant struggles can impact a parent or child’s capacity to manage behavior at times. Grace upon grace is there to uphold you through your struggle.

But that’s not most of us. Most of us are plain old too busy or lazy or fatigued or distracted. In terms of parenting, we let ourselves coast.

It’s suuuuuuuper easy as parents to excuse sinful behavior patterns in our kids. They’re sick, they’re tired, they’re in their terrible twos, and threes and fours. We can even be tempted to laugh them off as funny or cute. Kids antics can be absolutely hilarious. And I wouldn’t want you to take all of life too seriously. But parenting is serious business. A holy calling. And it’s important to discern if this bad behavior is unusual——or if it has frankly become a trend.

I’m so glad I had someone older and wiser teach me the principle of Plus 10 and I want to pass it on to you.

What’s Plus 10 you ask?

Plus 10 means you add ten years to your child’s current behavior trends and ask yourself, “If it keeps going like this, will we be in a good spot?” If not, it’s time to make some important parenting decisions to change habitual problem spots. Plus 10 causes us to see the reality of what’s coming if we just let behaviors naturally trend. And it gives us a chance to make minor course corrections now that will result in a much better destination.

Your two year old routinely fights, arches her back or slaps at your face when you pick her up to put her to bed. Plus 10 wonders, “Will my twelve year old daughter’s door-slamming and eye rolling be cute? Will our relationship be good if rebellion is still her habit?”

When you tell your four year old to get in the car he runs away from you. No big deal, you’re faster than him and bigger than him and can still manage to get him buckled. Plus 10 asks what will you do if your fourteen year old starts to sneak out at night? Is it still no big deal? Will our relationship be good if defiance is still his habit?

Your six year old ignores you when you ask her to turn off the TV and set the table. Plus 10 means you ask yourself will it be okay when your sixteen year old disregards what you have to say, is unhelpful and dismissive? Will our relationship be good if disrespect is still her habit?

We all want great future relationships with our kids. We want to not just love them, but to also like them, to be blessed with mutual respect and enjoyment for life. But perhaps more than that, we want to raise respectful, honest, godly adults. We want to give the world human beings who reflect selflessness and goodness and the love of Christ.

I encourage you to carefully consider the pathway you are on with your kids——will it lead to a good and healthy and respectful place in Plus 10? If not, I pray you’ll commit to some short-term course corrections when they are young to aim at a desirable reality when they are older.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

Praying for your parenting journey,

P.S. For another’s secular yet IMHO wise and valid perspective along this same principle, I recommend Rule 5 in Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s book, 12 Rules for Life, an Antidote to Chaos. “Rule 5: Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them.”