I was leaving for work this morning and all of a sudden I felt sad. It was like I stumbled into a mist of doom and gloom. Outside it was a brand new sunny morning. I had saved myself a lot of fun work to do today. I was planning on walking my favorite trail in the afternoon. I had no reason to despair, and yet, I did.
Now, If you’d asked me to, I probably could have thought long enough to list what makes me sad. But I hadn’t been thinking about any of that. And yet, sadness hit me.
Have you ever been there? Have you ever found yourself inexplicably feeling tempted to despair? Pastor Andrew powerfully reminded us on Sunday that despair is not trusting God. Despair means believing he’s not loving enough or powerful enough to help. Believing he doesn’t care enough about what I’m going through to pay attention.
My Lenten bible reading plan pointed me to John 19 today. The especially cruel part of the crucifixion story where the soldiers are gambling for Jesus’ clothes while his bloody body hangs over their heads. Held up by the cold, steely nails driven into his hands and feet. Unable to catch a breath, bleeding out, and thirsty. And yet, they are rolling the dice to see who gets his nice robe.
If anyone had a right to feel sad and lonely, it was Jesus right then and there. Excruciatingly alone in his suffering in the presence of men. But also forsaken in his suffering in the presence of God.
And yet, in that moment, he cared for others. He loved others. He provided for others. When we are tempted to despair, thinking Jesus is not loving or powerful or caring enough to pay attention, remember:
“ …Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home}” (John 19:24-27).
Jesus is in agony, and yet, he sees the anguish and the trauma on the faces of his loved ones. He sees and he cares. He cares and he provides. That is the heart of Christ. Always.
When I feel inexplicably or suddenly sad or lonely or that God has forgotten me or let me down, it’s likely that I have stopped trusting his heart. I’ve forgotten that he is absolutely caring and powerful and trustworthy. He always has been.
When I drove to work this morning, I remembered this Psalm. I was in a mist of doom and gloom and yet I could still decide to put my hope in a trustworthy God and I could still decide to praise him until the mist lifts.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
—Psalm 42:5 ESV
